Coming out as non-binary
A few weeks ago I was travelling on my way to Melbourne to deliver a workshop and I had a little itch in my eye. I went to scratch it and instantly I was transported to 15 years earlier when doing that same action was dangerous. I would have had mascara on, I probably would have forgotten that I had mascara on, and I would have smeared it across my cheek. Awkward. I was always awkward when I was presenting femme.
That flashback had me thinking about how far I have come and how many things have changed. My life has been a journey of opposites, of costumes and masks, of reawakening’s. I can’t recognise myself in the person I was then. The person who tried so valiantly to be the wife, businesswoman, mother, and daughter that people expected me to be. It took a lot of unpacking, understanding and discovery to become the trans non-binary partner, parent and business owner I am today. It makes me think not only of my journey and where I’ve come to but also about the strange stereotypes that we have around gender. Somehow giving up the identity of woman meant that it was now okay for me to go out in public without makeup on. What does that say? Is it just a reflection of the ideas I had around gender, or is it a broader reflection around gendered expectations – from my experience, it’s both.
Why did I feel it was so necessary to wear makeup before I left the house? Nowadays, I don’t even think about the blemishes on my face, the redness, my features. Letting go of the need to perform the gender of woman has meant I can be exactly who I am, I’m no longer awkward. I’m no longer seeking people’s affirmation that I look appropriately woman enough, whatever that means. There’s incredible confidence and comfort that comes with that. I don’t think people can understand how performative gender is unless you have been labelled with a gender identity that’s not your own. Your every moment becomes about gender, playing the role, fitting the part. They also cannot understand the euphoria when you finally present to the world as you – the relief and the load that lifts from your shoulders.
Reflecting now I know I never felt comfortable with the gender identity that people had assigned me. But I never had the words, visibility of healthy non-binary lives, or self-awareness. That all changed for me as I met people who were like me, who had very similar experiences and I read a lot of books and articles.
I am not a woman. The label of woman felt like some awkward, heavy raincoat that just never felt right, it didn’t sit right, it was too big, it was never the right colour. Shedding that label brought me freedom. It brought me freedom from what I saw as a box that I could never fit within, there was always an arm or a leg sticking out of it. Coming to the realisation that I was genderqueer opened the world to me and at the same time made some things a lot more challenging. By that stage I had already thrown the make-up and the heels in the bin. Now to fully embrace myself I needed to ask people to use new pronouns for me but even harder than that – stop seeing me as a woman.
And as I drove to the training session, I realised that what I was asking of the participants was to break away from the deeply ingrained societal expectations they use to make sense of the world. It was hard enough for me to unpack and yet it was my lived experience. How do I get cisgender folks to not just understand the restrictions and dangers of gendered expectations – but to challenge them for the sake of people they perhaps don’t even know. On a practical level I’m asking people to not act as gender police as they walk into the bathroom, to not use language that assumes an incorrect gender identity, to recognise minority stress and seek to create a safer more accepting world for trans and gender diverse folks. To not fear difference but embrace it.
Remember the awkward box I felt I was in? I want all who hear my message to help enable others to be free of the box, or maybe even free themselves. Because when we’re in the awkward box, we actually can’t find the best parts of ourselves. We can’t be the best people that our communities need of us, that our families, friends, workplaces need of us because we’re so focused on trying to fit in. Having to be someone you are not is a kind of hell that many people from marginalised backgrounds can relate to. It’s not healthy and it can have a catastrophic impact on their lives and those around them.
Providing acceptance, challenging stupid binary conversations about gender, introducing yourself with your pronouns, demanding your workplace put in place a gender affirmation plan – all great things you can start doing today. Let’s create a world where gender identity and gender expression don’t impact equality of opportunities, don’t result in teenagers self-harming, don’t have people ex-communicated from their families. It’s wild that any of those things are still true.
To have me come and deliver an LGBTIQA+ inclusion workshop in your organisation click here and let’s chat. Or I am also available for speaking engagements.
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